The pain sits, lingering in silence waiting

Until another piece is thrown into its lair

A piece of past

A piece of hurt

Thrown at me from thin air

Where they come from I know not

 I just feel the repercussion of

The slamming

The pushing

The serious lack of love

I am hurt by you and her and

 That other person over there

I try to give and give some more

But it seems as though nobody cares

While I am away and out of sight

My presence lacks serious form of want

I lie in my bed hoping and wishing but

All that fills my thought are those that haunt

I go to you but you turn me away

I try to confide in you but you say nay

There are more important things

And I am not one of them

There are more prevelant things

And I am not apart of them.

I long to be a person

To feel

To cry

To laugh

To be

Without shame

Without blame

To be my own person;  to be me.

Every breath I take, every move I make

I endure your reprimand

Every laugh I break, every noise I make

I am submissive to your command

A command to stop

Stop annoying

Stop bothering

I’m not allowed to be you.

The guilt washes over me like a flood

A flood whose gates have been opened

I stand there,

Helpless

Motionless

I don’t know what to do

Your control is overpowering

Their control has come as well

It feeds to pain

The pain continues to grow

Growing like a dagger

That rushes out to stab

And kill and destroy

Each time I do something wrong

I long for the love

The love that never ceases

The love that covers all sins;

The love that I cannot seem to find

I try to give

And they take advantage

They speak of only themselves

And could care less of anyone else

I try to love

They gobble it up

But when my turn comes

Nobody is to be found

God, what am I doing wrong

Where did I let you down?

When I needed them, they weren’t there

When I needed them, I could have died.

You, Lord

You do not let me down

But the pain still resides

In your holy house

They still mock at me

They still look down upon me

They were my friends God

And it hurts so much

Take me into your house

Take me away from this pain

Take me and show me

Show me your world.

I made dinner tonight...it wasn't that hard.  Maybe there is hope for me to become domesticated.  Do you ever feel like you don't know how you feel?  There is so much within you to give out, but nobody wants to hear or see it so you just keep it stuffed away. 

We have mice in our house.  I saw a baby one run into the vent the other day and Shellie saw one "running" up the fireplace.  We set traps.  The sticky kind.  I'm a little nervous.  bleh  Have you ever been so tired, but can't sleep?  So full of emotion, but can't cry?  So full of life, but feel like you're just existing?

I think people are afraid to care, afraid to just let someone else know they love them or are afraid to give a hug because they feel like they'll have to commit to something.  Why are we so afraid of commitment anyway?  I'm afraid of it, that's for darn sure...

Thank you, Ms. Denise.  You made my night.

This is who I am.  It is not where I will remain, but for now, this is who I am.  I once told my mother that I was going to have to get to the point where there was noone/nothing else except God.  Well, the time has come.  I really don't even know how to talk to Him anymore.  I don't even know what to say.  I hate starting all over again, especially when things were going so well and then out of the blue, some brick comes flying down to knock you off your rocker.  Eating triple chocolate brownies doesn't even soothe the pain.  Talking with my mom doesn't soothe the pain.  The thought of going on a long, blissful drive into the night doesn't soothe the pain.  Sleep is almost non-existent for me anymore so I can't drown my sorrows in dreamland.

Oh how I miss the delightfulness of childhood.  I loved Seaseme Street.  I loved the way my house felt and smelt and how safe it was when I watched that little bellhop boy go up the elevator as he counted the magic number for that day.  I miss the colorful muppets and even grumpy ol Oscar and Slimey.  I miss sitting in on my wall climbing in the palm trees in Bahrain and playing make believe with myself.  I miss tying a jumprope to my tricycle and having our little dog Smokey chase after me.  I miss drowning roaches in my tub.  I miss making the Buday a swimming pool for my barbies.  I miss my dog Peaches.  I loved to take my clarinet mouthpiece and just squeak on it to make her howl.  I miss pushing the twins on the swings at recess and sliding underneath them to lay down as they swung over me and then skillfully getting out of the way before the could kick me in the butt or head.  I miss playing wall ball and 4 square.  I miss sharing with my class what we got for Christmas.  I miss Mrs. Reynold's Alphabet letters with their quirky personalities.  I miss Sahmals (sandstorms) that made us walk backwards to get back inside the school.  I miss eating gummy bears off the sand.  I miss Collette.  I miss sitting on my wall and throwing gummy bears into the road to see if a car would smush it, one did and it came right back up.  Ew.  I miss hugging my pole right outside the highschool doors.  I loved my pole...I would dance with it and hug it and kiss it.  I miss working at the Commissary and being called 007 because that was my number and having some customer try to buy it off of me :)!  I miss the rain and the wind during the winter.  I miss our first house in Lajes that was three stories and I would rollerblade in the kitchen downstairs.  I miss crawling around on the floor in my sister's room to steal her makeup before I was allowed to wear it.  I miss our little cottage that was our last house and the longest house I've ever lived in....how our windows would leak from the rain so we had to put towels in the windows.    I miss Gustaf and our piano lessons that always turned into long talks and him cussing someone out.  I miss my dermetologist that told me I was going to be the first American female president.  I really miss Gustaf.  I miss playing the piano.  I miss the bowling alley and drinking fanta and coke mixed together (also known as spaitzes in Germany).  I miss running cross-country and going on our hash runs and getting so lost.  I miss the ocean.  I miss Modelo's chicken.  I'm miss Mrs. Willoughby, my band teacher, and her infectious laugh.  I miss my locker.  I miss Mr. Brown.  I miss my Emily.  I miss cuddling with her and her allowing me to throw shoes and tantrums...all at the same time.  I miss how colorful our room was.  I miss Jon coming to our window and him and Jason singing to us.  I miss Anna.  I miss going on drives and singing to my Psalty tapes with her.  I miss talking to her.  I miss the fountain that used to have the eternal flame that me and Em swam in.  I miss my mom and my dad.  I miss being able to hug them and be close and hold my dad's pinkie.

Because I don't have a lot of things going ahead of me, or things that I can't really see right now...it definitely helps to look back on the good things.

So, I definitely feel like noone even knows I exist anymore.  My mom is awesome though.  She gave me a really good analogy of when the disciples were with Jesus and crossing the lake and then a huge storm came and started causing havoc and all the while Jesus slept in the back of the boat.  She says its like that with me, I'm in the storm and I feel like Jesus is sleeping.

Steve and I have decided to take a break and I feel like I have absolutely no support now that I'm not in school.  I just don't understand why it is expected of me to continue to be strong when its near physical impossibility for me.  I was at a Christian University surrounded by people who I thought were my friends and yet I ended up in the hospital last semester because I overdosed because absolutely nobody believed me and everyone thought I was a faker.  I ended up in the hospital this semester because I wanted to end it all.  Where am I at now?  Alone, frustrated, and feeling like everyone would be better off if I weren't here.  People seem to be just fine now that I'm not in school, why would they care if I wasn't around at all.  Why do people make threats like this?!  Because they are desperate for someone to show them love because they feel alone becasue they feel deserted, even by their God.  Because I can't sleep at night.  Because I'm miserable.  Because I feel like all my friends have abandoned me because I'm not there to listen to their problems anymore or initiate anything with them.  Because once I stopped giving, I stopped getting.  That is sad.  I desparately want to love others so that they know that someone cares so they don't have to feel like I'm feeling.  Why don't you people love me?  Why am I not worth anything to you.  I care about you, why can't you care about me?!

That's the end of my plead.  I have no more left to give.  I have no more left within me to ask.  I'm not good at asking in the first place.